The World's Not Over

The only thing that separates mania from reality is lack of results. The manic mind can come up with compelling narratives, believable schemes, even realist expectations. but what the manic mind fails at is achieving results.

I should be a nurse right now. I was accepted into an accelerated nursing program two years ago. Then I got re-accepted last year. Both times, mania forced me to withdraw. I've seen my life flushed down the toilet too many times to count. The latest I was too numb to care. I've been there and done that.

My new goal is law school. I want to get involved in law and politics, become a lawyer, have wanted to for years. Nursing was just a good paycheck. I can swallow this defeat.

I've applied for disability, receive food stamps, will probably get government housing. My faith in American welfare is strong. We don't let our citizens starve. I know first hand. What we don't do is provide options. At least not feasible ones. Once you go poor, it's a bitch getting out.

My recent manic episode led me to New York city. My third time here. I hate this fucking hell hole. Opportunity is everywhere, but the people are loud and rude. No one speaks English. No one knows where anything is. I walked around Manhatten for 12 hours looking for a hospital.

When I first arrived I got myself into the shelter system. I had no ID, no wallet, no money. No where to go. Just a hospital letter stating I was homeless. The shelter took me in. I made it three days. I never want to be homeless again.

Our government provides shelter for the homeless, but what they don't provide is an easy way out. What do you do when you don't have enough money to buy a toothbrush or razor? I'm not a native New Yorker, being from Ohio. I don't qualify for housing cash assistance, or welfare. Without my social security card or birth certificate I can't even get a New York ID. Freedom may be having nothing left to lose, but ask the closest bum how free they feel? Being dependent on strangers isn't my idea of freedom.

I won't throw out the word "socialism" but it's time we start to talk about social progress. The "American Dream" is an archaic term, especially when our minimum wage isn't enough to support a family of three, nor at a time when receiving a quality education that might help you get a well-paying respectable job costs the same as a small house. We're holding back our citizens and great minds. Poverty, mental illness, lack of options, being born to the wrong family--this is the real crisis facing Americans. This is why I want to get in to politics. I've experienced too much shit to not care. I've left everything I've ever had in the waste. I've seen too many opportunities thrown away and felt too much heartbreak. My only option is to care.

A voice tells me once in a while, "The world's not over for you Mike. It's only begun." That's one I don't tell my psychiatrist about.